I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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