She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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