I showed him my bush... on skype.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Houston, we have a blender
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
