So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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