dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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