People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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