I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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