imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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