this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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