i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
