I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
