who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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