I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
