ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
