just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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