Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
