I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
