I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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