Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
