so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
