Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
