Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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