I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
