he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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