the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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