You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
