We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
