How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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