So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Someone signed my nipple.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
