...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
