i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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