Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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