a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
