I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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