I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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