I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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