I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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