I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
