she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
