I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
