When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
