phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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