i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
