i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
