you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
