I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
