I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
