I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
