i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
