I think my fart just growled at me.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Less talking, more tequila
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
