just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
